I look into your brown eyes and I know you’re lying, yet I can’t help but to cling to every word you speak. I listen as you carefully choose your words.
I’m upset at first, but it fades.
You’re trying to convince us both that you’re telling the truth, and it’s working. I feel myself believing you. I feel myself doubt my own memories. I feel myself doubt my own experiences.
Your words are powerful.
Your charisma is overwhelming.
Perhaps you believe you are telling the truth. Perhaps you have formed lies so elaborate that you don’t remember what’s true anymore.
I forgive you.
Then, when I step away from you, I remember so clearly. When you are not there to tell me otherwise, the memories still hurt me. As my memory returns I am reminded that, in fact, nothing is resolved.
I crumble in tears.
I wrestle with forgiveness. What is forgiveness, anyway? Is forgiveness coming to terms with a person’s character? Is it condoning their behavior?
Is forgiving synonymous with forgetting? I used to believe this. I used to believe that if you were able to move past something, to ‘forget’ then you had indeed achieved forgiveness.
After several cycles of (what I believed at the time to be) forgiveness I was exhausted. It took me years to recognize that you cannot fully forgive a person who is not sorry.
You are not sorry. You are in denial.
Then one day I stopped listening. I refused to look into your eyes and hear your voice. I ignored your unmistakable laugh.
I knew if I listened to your lies, I would forget my truth.
I grow more confident and empowered each day. I realize that my story is important – I deserve to remember my truth.
So I will reply to your once-a-year text message, but hear me when I say that I will not be manipulated.
I am not the little girl you once broke.
I pray about it and in the midst of prayer I am reminded exactly what God did, and continues to do for us. Humans have hurt Him repeatedly and relentlessly.
Still, He sent his son.
Still, He forgives us.
Still, He loves us.
Even still.
I type those words and I know them to be true, but somehow I can’t grasp how much love that truly requires.
Perhaps that’s the point.
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Do you struggle to forgive when someone has hurt you? What is your definition of forgiveness? I would love to see your feedback on this blog post; I am interested to see how others approach the painful topic of forgiveness.